And embarrassing as most of them might have been, they’re a far cry better than the ones that are been regularly churned out right now: Random pictures ripped off Tumblr. Random quotes ripped off dead people. Random scenes ripped off ABC network shows and daytime television.

What ever happened to openly airing the sordid details of my life?

Maybe somewhere down the line, I started becoming more aware and conscious of the kinds of people who had access to my blog, constantly keeping them at the back of my mind whenever I wanted to talk about something, which, inadvertently, ended up in me wanting to talk about nothing.

You could say they wiped my inspiration clean.

Then again, you could also say my very own existence in itself wipes my inspiration clean. My life is a dreary old piece of rag right now, tainted through and through with stains and spills. Nothing motivates or inspires me anymore. A lot of the time, I wish I could un-know half of the people that I know, and all of the time, I wish I could undo half of the things I’ve done.

I yearn myself wistful for a time when things were simpler, even if they didn’t seem that way back then. A time when I was proud to be different. Proud that I wasn’t, and still am not, a clubber/drinker/social whore. Proud that I had values and principles which I lived by. Proud that I stood, undeterred, amidst a corroded society filled with strings and strings of moral-decayed douchebags and sluts.

I still refuse to hop in the bandwagon, so one lesser ring of fire for me when I die, hooray. But damn my stupid little heart for feeling inferior to the whole bunch of them. Damn my mind for even thinking for one minute that they’re all better and smarter and prettier and richer and luckier than me.

I mean, sure. Some of them might be better, smarter, luckier. Most of them might be richer. And all of them probably prettier – no, wait. This is not working out.

Let me try again.

What I mean to say is, sure. They have everything that I don’t. And on top of it, they don’t have the misfortune of being blessed with a mind that thinks too much, or the disability to accept things for what they are. They can take life for what it is, think rationally, logically, and not second-guess everything until their minds are reduced to pulp.

But do they know how to be content with nothing?

Not the way that I have learnt to be.

Which is why, I think, that the time has come for me to shed a few people from my life again. I can’t have elements in my life  that make me question my self-worth. Elements that don’t even mean anything to me. I don’t need to be sent spiralling down to a 2009-resembling hellhole again. I need to be removed from situations, completely detached to everyone save those few who really deserve to see me for who I really am. I will not pressure myself into making decisions that I think will impress others; I only want to impress myself.

And in the process, if I am going to end up poor, a spinster, and nothing much in my life to show off for, then so be it. At least at the end of every day,

I will be impressed with myself.

The littlest things set me off.

I feel so fucked up inside the only time I even feel remotely good about myself is when I’m sitting in front of the computer screen eating ice cream and watching Big Bang Theory.  

I hate that my KFC craving has gone unfulfilled for more than 2 weeks.

And among a thousand other things, I keep missing Natalie, Jamie, Julia so much I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I am bothered.

I am frustrated.

I just want everything to leave me alone.

I want to delete Facebook. Change my phone number. Move to Boston, work in Barnes and Noble, and never come back.

I want to escape from me for a little bit.

Be somebody else.

Have a new face. A new personality. A new belief.

A new soul.

I need answers.

I need clarification.

I need everything to be justified.

But most of all,

These days,

I just really, really, really need

help.

Chengyan: (in a deadpan voice) My, Grandma. What a big mouth you have.

Me: (in an equally deadpan voice) All the better to blow your granddad with.

Chengyan: *silence*

Chengyan: *slowly moves around from me in train*

Don’t worry, IE. Nothing that a dash of self-loathing sarcasm and an addiction to a couple of bad habits can’t cure.

- Dash, on Lily

“… He can sometimes act a bit loner-ish, but I think that’s not because he’s some serial killer waiting to happen; he’s just his own best company sometimes. And he’s comfortable with that. I guess there’s nothing wrong with that.”

- Bo0mer, on Dash

“… Boomer mentioned Sofia.”

“Ah, Boomer.”

“Do you love her?”

I shook my head. “I can’t love her. She lives in Spain.”

Lily laughed. “I guess you get points for truthfulness.”

“Not really,” I said. “I think she’s great. And I honestly like her about twenty times more now than I did when we were dating. But love needs to have a future. And Sofia and I don’t have a future. We’ve just had a good time sharing the present, that’s all.”

- Dash and Lily

I tried to sever ties
And I ended up with wounds to bind
Like you’re pouring salt in my cuts

And I just ran out of band aids
I don’t even know where to start
‘Cause you can bandage the damage
But you never really can fix a heart

Even now I know what’s wrong
How could I be so sure
If you never say what you feel
I must have held you hand so tight
You didn’t have the will to fight
I guess you needed more time to heal

You must be a miracle worker
Swearing up and down you can fix what’s been broken
Please don’t get my hopes up
Tell me how could you be so cruel

It’s like you’re pouring salt on my cuts”

- Demi Lovato, ‘Fix a Heart’